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Gifted Relationships

UserPost

April 22, 2011


Sonia Dabboussi

Canada

Admin

posts 394

1

One of the biggest challenges in relationships with people who are not gifted, especially those of the close and personal kind, is the difference in the depth of perception of the world.  What for you may feel like a big crisis (because you see way beyond the surface of things) for your partner may seem over-reactive or unnecessary.  And what, for your partner, may be important, for you may seem insignificant.

Gifted people in relationships of various kinds often get accused of portraying a sense of coldness or detachment. I've heard this kind of description many times before because in many cases, we as gifted people can recognize the futility of having an emotional meltdown in stressful situations and can choose not to do that (although when we do choose to meltdown it's of volcanic proportion!).  From the outside it just looks like we're cold
and detached; from the inside it seems like a more logical and productive approach.

As people learn more about their giftedness, they often start reassessing and reevaluating so many things in their lives as they begin to put their past life experiences in perspective.  This can influence their relationships because they're changing but they don't really know it and their partner, colleagues, friends or family members don't understand what's going on.

So what's the secret to all of this?  To recognize that, as with any kind of communication, what you're getting back is what you're putting out.  Communication is like a mirror – if you don't like what you see you have to change the object not the mirror.  That's really tough to accept, especially because for most people the idea introduces more pain, but unfortunately there's a lot of truth to it.  Of course that works for you and for any others involved.

To help your relationships operate more smoothly, here are some questions you may want to consider:

- What topics or situations are most difficult in your relationships? 

- What do you tend to argue or stress about? An event?  A topic?  A situation?  (If you find yourself repeating the same kinds of problems over and over again, you're probably tapping into underlying emotions every time that are left over from some past occurrence, so if you can find the trigger, you'll be a long way toward finding a solution.)

- What do you find most challenging, and most satisfying, in your relationships with others?  Notice what leads up to these feelings so that you can avoid a conflict or foster a positive experience, whichever is the case.

- What is it that you like most and least about your partner or other person in your relationships?  Often what you like most/least in others is also what you like most/least in yourself.  So if you can't stand the way someone does something, for example, take a look at whether or not you don't like that particular aspect of yourself as well.

This is a long post, and a big topic, but I hope together we can help shed some light on a situation that soooo many gifted people go
through.  I hope we can spark some good discussion here.  (If you don't want to get too personal but still would like to discuss this topic, please feel free to share the thoughts and/or experiences of your friends or other people you know, even if those friends happen to include you. ;)   We won't know the difference.)

Gifted for Life – Find the freedom, skill and motivation to live, love and lead with passion and make an evolutionary impact on the world!  giftedforlife.com

April 22, 2011


Cláudia

Aveiro, Portugal

Member

posts 4

2

Wow, i totally see myself in what you've described Sonia (as usual :P )!!

To have a partner with whom you have to dispute things in that competitive way is not for me also…when that happens, i can be quite ironic and non patient. I also tend to seek for objective discussions and again shown no mercy for uncomited communication from a partner, because for me it is the base of  a love relationship.

The disparity between me and my partner in how we see and feel the events is very strong sometimes…just like you said above, Sonia. What i try to do, is to discribe with a lot of details what that meant to me, but it usually leads to an energy draining point to me when i hear this kind of responses : "…but that was not the way it happend!"…and i say over and over, "…but that's how i felt and saw it!", and describe everything again. Eventually i just give up and get really tired. I know what you're thinking…tough times, uh? But i fear not my friend :P   …i'll learn in  the way and hold my vision. :)

As i said above, communication is "everything" to me, and as an extroverted one, i need both quality and quantity, so i'm not easy to satisfy… :P

Being a fast thinker, also makes me a fast and able inquisitive person…but i try to use this "power" only in emergency cases. When i do, this is often seen as a threat by my partner who feels he has no space for backing up on a problem or to hide on something…always having to be at his best to give me the "right answers". I think he gets tired of communicating at my level of intensity…

Accepting my giftedness and this great process occurring, had to do with a lot of new discussions also…i expected more  curiosity from my partner in what concerns to being gifted.

April 23, 2011


Kristien Dirven

Member

posts 26

3

Sonia Dabboussi said:

Gifted people in relationships of various kinds often get accused of portraying a sense of coldness or detachment. I've heard this kind of description many times before because in many cases, we as gifted people can recognize the futility of having an emotional meltdown in stressful situations and can choose not to do that (although when we do choose to meltdown it's of volcanic proportion!).  From the outside it just looks like we're cold
and detached; from the inside it seems like a more logical and productive approach.

Ohhhhh, this sounds SO familiar !!!! And indeed in all kinds of relationships… even with people you interact with maybe only once!

An example of the latter : a few months ago my dog got in a fight with another dog (who jumped up at me which my dog considered to be an attack on his leader, so he came to help me). The other owner screamed like hell, stamping his foot… anyway, the whole picture!! And I just stood there, being calmness itself… which acted like oil on the fire of the other owner. He started threatening me with a knife !! All of this over a stupid quarrel between the dogs, something we could have calmly talked about as adult people. Apparently not.
(to finish the story : a police report was made but untill know I haven't heard anything of it yet… if ever I will)

And the volcanic emotional meltdown?
Happened to me with my first boyfriend. Poor him, he really didn't know how to handle it (and me) but for me it was such a burden that was lifted from my shoulders… I now jokingly call it the point of no return for both of us. I was freed of a lot of stress, he uhh turned gay in the end ;-)
That's why we got along so well (and still do), I now realise, we could be ourselves with each other (or more ourselves than with anyone before).
Although I didn't know I was gifted and he didn't yet know he was gay, we were both different.

I think my second boyfriend was a reaction to my first one : more a physical attraction than a meeting of minds. But I guess I had to go through that phase ;-)

So third time lucky?
I thought so for a long time :  finally someone who met my mind at the same level, met my humor at the same level… but it was not to be.
I was a little bit too "too" in the end?
This failed relationship has really hurt me, cuz it was the closest to a true meeting of souls.

But now, I guess he was a really smart guy, but not up to accepting or dealing with giftedness (mind that I still didn't know that then).
Can't blame him. Just sometimes wish…

… but not really. I think I've learned some valuable lessons from these relationships. Cuz I did look in the mirror and I did try to change the object! I'm not afraid of the pain if it makes me a better person in the end. It's just not always easy. But hey, if it would be easy, I'd probably get bored real soon ;-)

So. I've never had any real gifted relationships. Not since realizing I am gifted, I mean.
Don't know how or what or… if ever I find someone significant again.
But I hope you all won't mind that I learn something from your experiences in the mean time.

 

 



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