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What would it take for you to be incredibly successful?
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February 6, 2011


Sonia Dabboussi

Canada

Admin

posts 394

1

What's missing in your life?  What would you really love to be able to do?  What do you think is stopping you from becoming everything you can be?  Share your thoughts here and find out what others are saying.

Take a couple of minutes and add a comment here about what…


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Gifted for Life – Find the freedom, skill and motivation to live, love and lead with passion and make an evolutionary impact on the world!  giftedforlife.com

February 20, 2011


Bryn

Guest

2

As a 50+ woman who in the last few years has discovered she is Highly Sensitive, ADHD, and an INSF: I am now struggling with the bitterness and parade of other negative self-flogging lashes of emotions and am juggling it between myself and God (as opposed to just myself), for having created me this way. I had previously scathed myself on a minute-by-minute basis for being a failure and having accomplished nothing and never having loosed the stingy holder of words who let nothing escape the solid block of cement smothering the well of words, yet cruelly never dimmed the intensity of the complusion to write (I was so promised in high school that my gifted IQ manifested in the ability to write, and oh, how naively, even believed it possible when encouraged to write for a living. Low self-esteem, warring factions within my own dysfunctinal personality, i.e the perfectionist Virgo who is thwarted constantly by the ever-present, ever-fighting lazy, clutter-loving, tattooed and pierced rebel who screams "who gives a sh&^% about any of it, why does it matter?" until apathy wins, until I shut down to stop the guilt, the harsh words, the regrets, the chaotic dark whirlwind that my aging, beleagerd brain has become, so choked with overwhelmed senses and pain from the accumulated assualt of the usual everyday world that makes my nerves scream and temper flare and body ache in the peculiar areas targeted by fibro. I shut down desperately, trying to give my battered nervous system time to quiet, time to repair, give my nerves time to stop screaming like they're being grated by a zester; all because my mind/body defenses such as fight or flight are so constantly in a high state of readiness that a simple day of work then perhaps a stop at the local grocery store; yes, everyday life, in otherwords, may as well be a day in the heat of combat in a sustained firefight with bombs bursting and the dying screaming. A tad too extreme of an analogy? Then you, my lucky friend, don't know the hell that is hypersensitivity to every sense, including that which allows you to soak up other people's pain, anger, anxiety, then ratchet all that sensory input up a few thousand times until you would run your car off a cliff to escape the noise and chaos and nervous energy and nagging pain your mind/body has morphed into yet again except that you have people who love you.
Too sensitive to live in this world (as my fairly new blog states); I question and analyze and rant about my luck?? of being an HSP, gifted person. So far, all I've gotten is the constant pain of overfeeling and hurting for others, esp. animals. God gave me the overpowering love of animals; yet He also gave me such sensitivity and empath that I can do nothing to help them, or interact with much more than my own. I tried walking dogs at a nice shelter; I have trained as an animal commnicator; but the inability to take their pain or fear or love that I feel so deeply and honestly and lower it to a level that doesn't break my delicate but genuine heart has stymied my search for a way to interact with my only passion (other than reading).
Although always an excellent well-liked and respected employee, my personal shambles of a life; highlighted by poisionous relationships and gypsing about, moving alone with my beloved dogs across two states because hey, if I lived in the beautiful montains, how could I not write beautifully? I moved alot, searching for that one place where I could access myself, breach the closed up, society friendly imposter I knew I was shielding my very core with, and quite deftly. If you don't consider various relationships with alcohol and drugs that may have been illegal but at least made me feel like I actually had a personality; you know, like everyone else who could be comfortable around groups of people, talk to just anyone, have opinions, be spontaneous, outgoing, everything that I had pined for, envied, hated myself for lacking; a weak, sometimes unstable poser who had everyone fooled; everyone thought I had it going on, was the luckiest one in the room, so popular, smart, together. The emotional and physical toll of maintaining that hard-won public facade was immense, not to mention the falsity of it, the knowing that they all only loved the good parts that I showed them, and whew, boy, if they only knew the real me, then they'd know how shallow, uninspired, uncreative, worthless etc. etc. I really am. This is still the way I live; not knowing myself much more than I ever did; I just now have valid explanations of why I am the way I am, and so it's not all my fault (although I take full responsibilty for the many bad decisions I made, and were it not for a loving family that I praise God to the highest for, truly I may not be here to whine all this to you), it's not that I'm just weak, overemotional, lacking any good qualities etc; God Himself created me this way! But hey, guess what? Who to blame matters not; the end result is the same. The HSP and gifted websites are invaluable for trying to undo the years of damage and confusion and tragic loss of hope. But, if you haven't found the reason God made you this way, as in, what is your purpose for life, what are you here to do, then you are still not whole, still hurting, still searching. You feel that need to help so strongly, it's like a hook in your skin, tugging, tugging; along with the huge certainty that you are missing the most important truth, the emptyness in your tender heart that cries out mournfully for loving purpose, a reason to live, one thing that you do that would make you proud, a very scarce but vastly needed self-judgement that is on the happy side of the spectrum. I have prayed, I have tried various modalities, such as EFT, meditation, psychics, in the past 5 years or so. I have taken obscene amounts of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, narcotic pain killers, afore mentioned various drugs of the possibly-illicit variety; sometimes drank to excess, have't for years. Therapy, EFT therapy, self-help, all of it. Currently, I am doing well in that I am almost completely off of narcotics, after literally years of numbing pain and trying unsucessfully to numb my angsty-bitchy brain that could never re-focus all that wasted nervous energy and irritation and just-under-the skin blazing anger into something positive. I am seeing a chronic pain psychiatrist who doesn't believe in opioids (I'm sorry, what?); instead, she prescribrd Concerta, after several hit and miss trials with the other stimulants; and God bless her, with the Concerta calming my brain system down, the environmental assualts have lessened, which has lessened the chronic pain of the over-stimulated and tensed muscles and joints. I can focus on work easier, I have more energy, which is to say I have energy at all, and some days I don't have to plug my ears with earbuds and blast hard rock to keep from pitching my stapler at my officemate because she's a loud breather, and every breath she would take would rasp against every freaking nerve in my body until I wanted to slit my throat with my letter opener. Not to mention if there were heated words in the conference room next door or out in the hallway; my pulse would race and I'd try to fight the instinct to flee, run, hide! Sometimes, yeah, I'll step outside to get a breath of quiet fresh air until things calm down, because the anger and other emotions being bandied about so willy-nilly by the non-sensitive bangs on my aura, demanding attention, admittance, response.
So it is better in a good way, esp. not being drug out, literally, by the Xanax and Vicodin and Soma etc just to make it through the work day.
Yet, I still don't know what my purpose is, who is to benefit from my heightened senses, my deep love for all that is furry. I can not stomach seeing hurt or unhappy animals. I have pictures of baby animals, moms with their babies, any and every type of animal, plastered on the walls around my desk; they soothe me, make me smile, although I will tear up at a picture of a baby sloth all wrapped in a blanket holding a toy in a sloth refuge; so cute, so innocent, motherless. I have stopped reading the paper on advice from a therapist yearts ago; I used to be addicted to it. But all that bad news that I can do nothing about only adds fuel to the doom and gloom, why bother, it's all hopeless spiral that is barely held in check by the anti-depressant I still have to take. People are bizarre in that they feel compelled to tell me horric stories of whole generations of beautiful, so smart they have their own language dolphins being systematically slaughtered in Japan, or puppies having their ears cut off in Tijuana or this or that atrocity to an animal; not realizing that I will have to shut down and really really work at not immediately going down in a spiral of flames and weeping uncontrollably, because it does hurt me that much that this type of heinous, heartless cruelty happens. Wolves shot from helicoptors, pit bulls and rotties being overbred and abused until their breeds are villified, condemed, fill overcrowded shelters or are just put down immediately and more and more specifically prohibited from cities etc. I had a 125 lb rott that was love personified; a big goofy bundle of love that visited sick kids in the hospital as a therapy dog until her health declined. I lost her over 10 years ago and will still well up with tears when I see another gorgeous rottie. She's coming back to me, but not for a while yet.
I can hermit for days, talking to no one but my beloved animals, reading a good book, and be as happy as the marathon runner who just bested her own record. Running from the last messily-imploding relationship, unfullfilling job,the boredom with my life, always so unsettled, so alien in my own skin; the need to seek thrill overriding the more cautious, sane aspects of the sensitive, practical Virgo portion of my relationship. But as always, one must survive, working at a job they're very proficient at, (in my case, accounting), yet, aside from being a valued employee, there is no joy, no self-fullfillment. the inability to focus for any length of time, and the absolute dearth of ambition and self-will have made it impossible for me become anything more than a bitter, frustrated, irritated woman who has wasted her supposedly gifted life. I have been clincally depressed for over a decade, developed fibromyalgia from the unrelenting onslaught of noise and light and soul-sucking energy vampires that haven't the slightest clue about their brash, pushy energy as they talk loudly or aggressively or God forbid, breach my admittedly large personal space bubble, forcing me to step back, lean away, shut down, whatever, until they take their extroverted selfs elsewhere, and allow my stimulated nervous system to shift it down a notch and recover.
Are you still with me? Are you sorry you asked? I appreciate you allowing me to ramble here; although you are probably asking yourself what allow? you just came in and took advantage, jumped on your soapbox and away you went, hellbent for leather.
Well; the whole reason I was sparked to write was the topic; If I'm so smart, then why?? and this is one of my biggest struggles with bitterness as so ramblby and unsuccinctly explained above. I am so glad to have found this website/forum; I had, I am not kidding, completely forgotten that I had ever been labeled gifted, until last week, when I was reading Dr. Aron's book on HSP's and how they tend to be creative and gifted, and I was thinking my usually ugly thoughts of yeah, right, like, when are you going to use any gifts or be creative when the HSP part has/is ruling/ruining your life. It snapped to in my cranky head; hey, wait a minute, I was gifted, I tested out at a higher IQ starting in like 3rd grade. I got to watch movies, take special classes, all that. It's just that my brain is so tired, my memory so poor, and I'm so used to being dulled by pain or meds, distracted by everything, experiencing the normal changes of age, menopause etc, that the last thing I'm remembering is that at one time I was considered gifted. Wow. Didn't do anything with it, didn't go to college despite being accepted at a 4 yr university based on grades and SAT's; got married instead. Later, tried to go back several times, but although I tested in with the equivalent of an AA straight out of high school, I could not focus, could not handle the committment of having to be somewhere and do something and possibly failing, or even just not make the best grade, and that's not acceptable, even if the devil's advocate part of me refused to buckle down and do the homework, don't wait until the last minute, don't this, do that; to this day, I hate being told what to do, yet will self-police myself harder than you ever thought of doing. Parts of my personality; can't work without a deadline, have to have compelling reason to do said thing. Don't get me started on getting anywhere on time, and what affront it is to my rebel side to have to abide by society's concept of time. Time is my worst enemey; I have no innate concept of it, so am always rushing, alwasy surprised at what time it is. Didn't wear a watch for years because, yes, wearing one is giving in to the Man, toeing the line. I HATE to go to bed; I HATE to have to get up. It is so simple, so true, and runs in my family; our body clocks don't mesh well with normal society's. So punching a time clock at my job is a daily torture, as is every morning when I have to fight myself to get up, dammit, you can't be again or you'll be back in the HR office being scolded, because it doesn't matter how well you do your job or that you put in your 8 hours a day….
But, once again I digress: The question being, what would you do if you could do anything?
So simple, so easy; own or work at a relaxed home for orphaned baby animals, and just love them and teach them and exalt in their every little milestone, and let them soak in the endless amounts of love that I have for them. that I value them, know they are sentient beings, have emotions, their own life purposes etc. No sick or injured, unless I could work my way up to it; just animals, from a sloth to a squirrel to a dog to whatever needs loving care. This to me would be success beyond imagining.
I know you're supposed to just make your life's dream happen, but the reality is that my own job is tenuous right now, my fiancee was just laid off, we live in an apt because we were saving to buy a house, and already we have 2 dogs and 2 cats. I'll keep looking, trolling the net, trying to find somewhere that I can help without having a piece of my soul die, like at the shelter. In the meantime; all I can do is to keep praying for God to show me the path he created me for, where the gifts (I have to so struggle to think of it that way) would be put to good use; OR, and I've prayed this many times and quite imploringly: if you're not going to show me my purpose, if maybe I missed it when I was out running around and making bad decisions, then Lord, I implore you to please, for the love of all that is holy, shut me down, take it all down a few hundred notches; take away the defeated but occasionally still strong compulsion to write; still the loud large demand in my heart and soul to help animals; give me a break, dear Lord; give me strength, toughen my skin, heart, soul so that the many bad things that happen all over this world to animals (and people) doesn't punch me in the chest and knock me into that spiral that could take a few tears or a few days of utter hopeless depression to process and get over.
And yet, I hope. I rally, sometimes for days at a time, having faith that I will find the precious treasure that will make my life worthwhile, the gift from God that will enable me to be the person he's always intended me to be. And now that I remember that, technically, like 45 years ago, I was gifted, maybe that will give me the little edge, the little push I needed to step over that block lying in my path. Maybe it will goad me into trying to write more, and better, and some weeks, even at all.

February 21, 2011


MomBodySoul

Member

posts 37

3

Hi Bryn,

I'm here. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I know it sounds so simplistic, but what self-care have you done for yourself lately? Can you take a week off from work/life and just sleep, rest, rejuvenate. Your adrenal system is on complete overload and although you are an HSP, it doesn't mean you never turn 'off'.  You just have to go out of your way to make that happen more than others do. I know it's hurting you inside to not be able to do the things you love, but you can't do them in this state of exhaustion.  The world is waiting, and can wait a little longer for you to be at your best.

 

I went through a complete and total burnout last month and your thoughts and feelings right now are so eerily similar.  I felt like I wanted to die just to shut it all off. Thank God, I had the sense to announce to my husband and to my family that I was taking the week off from life and I did nothing but lounge around for a couple days, sleep in, sleep every second I could (I have 2 babies at home, and 2 in school), after a couple of days of that I asked myself what do I need right now, and I called up a spa and got massages and a facial, I took long super hot baths, and just let the agitation I felt in every cell of my body die down.  I let the dishes go, ordered food in, asked the kids for help at times…I'm still recovering, it takes time, but I'm able to function at least now.

 

Besides, the obvious, rest, have you ever looked into health causes.  After drug use for so long, your body is crying out for a detox of some sort.  I am a HUGE fan of chinese medicine, and it sounds like issues that they could help you with. Detoxing, and even the ADHD are things that they can 'cure' and balance.  You are an HSP on overdrive, and health issues can compound that. In Chinese medicine, the liver system goes hand-in-hand with anger and hurt feelings. Either the feelings/stress cause the liver to go out of balance, or the liver being out of balance, causes the emotions to get out of control. So, in addition to seeking treatment for your health, you need to get together a toolbox for dealing with your outer and inner stress.  It can be as simple as putting up a list of things that help you to destress and to see the sunny side of life.  You mentioned EFT, that's a great one that I really love, also any hobbies that you enjoy, or places you like to go and reflect (for me, I have a spot by the river that just melts my worries away)…any type of body work (reflexology, acupressure, acupuncture, massage–I personally love Indian head massage) would really help you to relax and calm your nervous system.

As for your dream of working with animals, even if you can't live the whole dream today, what part of it can you carry with you? what part can you do in 5 minutes, what can you do right now that would feed your soul even a little bit…could you help people on forums, who find strays or orphaned animals who may not know the special attention or tools that are needed to care for such animals.  And as soon as you're physically and mentally able, then you need to get out and DO what you love. Even holding a kitten wrapped up will give your soul that reminder that this is what you were meant to do and wake up your conciousness and your motivation to keep moving on.

My mother-in-law shares your passion, and she is older and has some health issues, and so she sits on the cat forums online and helps others on there with her self-taught expertise. We lovingly call her the Cat Whisperer. She just lights up talking about her passion and I know you would do the same.

I hope this wasn't too much for you, I don't want to further overload you.  Just know that there are others out there who share the same feelings and thoughts sometimes, and that we care about your dreams as much as you do and know how important it is to serve others and leave a mark in this world, but you also must balance that with serving yourself first.

As for writing…Look at how much you wrote above…You already are a writer <3

Much Love,

Manal

February 21, 2011


Sonia Dabboussi

Canada

Admin

posts 394

4

Bryn,

I can hardly imagine all of the pain you have been through in your life. Your gifts have come in many form, and seemingly enough, have hardly felt like gifts at all. But as you have mentioned yourself, you are who you are for a reason, you have an ultimate purpose that no one can fulfill except you.

The pictures you have painted with your words are deep, dramatic, and all-enveloping, so it is obvious you have a special ability when it comes to writing. If it is something you love, then it likely is part of your grand purpose somewhere, somehow.

Your intense attraction to and love for animals I would guess is most definitely the foundation of your life calling. Feeling the parts of this that move you the most will guide you toward the destination you were designed for. I get the sense that you may be someone like Jane Goodall who makes an impact on the animal world in a way that few people can. I'm not very familiar with the details of her life, but I've seen the look on her face as she cares for the animals with which she works, and I feel something the same, if not even stronger, would be visible in you. Jane Goodall removed herself from the hustle and bustle of city life and found her home in nature among elements of the earth that soothed her most. She went against the 'rules' of society that told her to find a 9-5 job and turn off the love she had for the natural world in order to live in a way that made sense to her, and that opened the hearts of the world to aspects of the animal kingdom that they may never have otherwise experienced. Perhaps your purpose lies somewhere along these lines as well.

Being in your 50s doesn't mean that life is over. And it doesn't mean that you've wasted your time to date. Everything that has been part of your life has shaped who you have become. The challenges you have faced have helped you to build strength that you may not otherwise have acquired in your life. And this strength may be necessary for the work you have yet to do, work that lies outside the traditional realm and that may ultimately change the face of our planet.

You are here for a reason, with all of the sensitivities, loves and intensities that you possess, in order to make a huge difference. I can just tell. People who are numb to the world can never discover its endless depths. Those who experience more can find what others could not begin to imagine even exists.

There's a forum here that I'd love to have you share your further thoughts in. There's more room to write there, and even more people who share some of the ideas you've expressed here. I'd really like to help you take some steps forward today because there is something on the horizon that has been awaiting your arrival for a long time. Please join me in the forum here: ** You don't have permission to see this link. **

Gifted for Life – Find the freedom, skill and motivation to live, love and lead with passion and make an evolutionary impact on the world!  giftedforlife.com

February 28, 2011


bryn

New Member

posts 2

5

Dear Manal and Sonia;

Thank you so very much for your compassionate replies.  I truly appreciate your kind words, did in fact, weep a little when I read them.  I had been processing and thinking and revising what I would reply, and started writing last night, only to realize I had taken a turn to again generally describing and bemoaning the aspects of giftedness-HSP, which both have very similar traits, and had written quite a whinefest.  Which I promptly deleted, because I figured I'd whined enough earlier.  However, I may try to salvage a little of it, just to try to give you a better understanding of who I am, at the risk of seeming self-absorbed.  I may be, but not in the most positive of ways.

 
 I will be truthful and open as possible, not to imply that usually I am deceitful, only that half the time I don't even know what I'm feeling or thinking because I am so shrouded in protective layers that bind and gag me  and the words that do finally make their way out have been wrung and squeezed through so many filters, sometimes, like now, after days of processing and planning and revising and rejecting; well, the original content may have settled and staled, losing some of it's essence.  As my Meyers-Briggs class teacher, herself an introvert and therefore instantly my hero, said so perfectly: "The introvert knows that they have this one and only chance to respond (to whatever situation, conversation, thought) and it has to be absolutely perfect".  However, another part of my personality type is prone to hyperbole, in case that wasn't overtly apparent in my first posting; it is how we feel and experience every aspect of our lives; loud, over-the-top, larger than life; so I suppose it's not strange that when we do quietly express ourselves we emulate that with superlatives and drama and certainly in my case, overindulgence in sheer number of words just to exalt that I'm allowing them to flow at all. 

Some of the words from last night:

 

I fear that you will instantly discern that I am not gifted in any way and immediately expel me, with shaming words and judging eyes. 

I fear that you will see behind my smokescreen of genteel and courteous missives and expose me for the tattooed, pierced, sailor-mouthed, hard-rock loving, skull-wearing rebellious tangle of conflicting personas that I am; but know within that I was raised up southernly polite; am a passive to a fault, live and let live, God-loving, family-loving animal-adoring, compassionate, moral, hard-working woman who is well-liked, an excellent listener, and far too much of an empath to be intentionally cruel, disingenuous or even accidently hurtful.  At any given time I am feeling guilty of something, imagined or not, so I’m not out to add to the guilt bucket that already weighs me down.     

 
In my defense (of the aforementioned diatribe I deleted)  I am still trying to assimilate and process the information I have learned so late in life.  That was what I was starting to say; if we all knew that there was a whole 20% percent of this type of person out there (and animals as well), then we could all learn to respect the various needs of the different types.  The classes that I took were at my church; my teacher, a wonderful, funny woman, was living her passion of teaching Meyers-Briggs so that we could learn to communicate better and learn tolerance and bridge the gap between the most extremes of types and in concept, learn to love everyone and make your world a little better.  There were a lot of teachers in the classes, which gave me hope for the future of our children.    Maybe I feel like I have to explain how it is for me, for many of my type, because we generally are so quiet we don't make a fuss, don't complain, don't draw attention.  Maybe now I'm emboldened by the knowledge that there is scientific proof, colorful brain scans, studies, all kinds of data, that proves we are not weak, or highstrung, or need to buck up, or grow thicker skin, or get over ourselves, or just get out there, be brave, stand up for ourselves, don't be babies, pansies, lightweights and any other derogatory slang for weakling that you want to throw at us.  Our brains are wired differently than yours, our nervous systems are on constant alert, and it all shows up from the images of our brains to the cortisol in our blood chemistry.  We are different, but not less.  Not by a long shot.

That would be my rebel side wandering over.  Although all of the above describes me, I have a streak of defiance and independence that has led me on some journeys, gotten me into some trouble, allowed me to live alone and do handyman stuff around the house and have big dogs and move by myself around to different places just to see what they were like. I've gone to rock concerts alone, traveled alone, have no problem eating in a restaurant alone.  Notice that these are all things I can do under the radar, anonymously; ask me to talk to a crowd, even of people I worked with, and I would freeze up, choke.   I had a strong, although slender, inner core to offset some of the passive aspects of my nature.  I will stand up for the weaker, I'll jump into it at work in a second, I'd endanger myself physically to prove something to you or protect a child or an animal.  People can be scared of me; I have that aura of unpredictability, I think, because I am so tightly wound while so busy looking calm, that I don't project that normal easy to read shine.  Aloof, mysterious, arrogant, angry; I never know what people will judge me as.

To help me reconcile the "burdens" of the gifts of my personality and try to stem the dark side, such as depression and shutting down to let apathy bar the pain, I'm searching now for a Christian counselor familiar with the particular facets of the gifted-HSP-INSP because it all matters so much to the big picture.  There are many articles here about the emotional pitfalls, or more accurately, warfare, that affects these types, and to a debilitating degree.  One of the reasons I am so excited to have discovered this site; there are many sitse extolling the wonderful gifts; few lift the lid to expose the darkside lurking underneath the pretty wrapping.  I am a child of God, He chose this personality for me, and had a reason for doing so.  I'm having a wee bit of trouble with some bitterness and depression and life long self-esteem issues yada yada, and am hoping that now that I know what I know, maybe someone can help me get it all reconciled, hopefully find some long-needed forgiveness for myself, and for the Big Guy, who I may have shifted some blame and anger to or at.

 

I didn't answer your questions specifically, because I don’t have any good answers.  I don’t care about food, exercise, and anything that requires more energy that lighting another cigarette and pressing the next page button on my Nook as I swing on my porch and lose myself wholly into whatever it is I am reading.  I rarely watch t.v., the sensory input of the loud commercials and the brightness of the glare annoy me.  I have never been one to make myself do anything I didn’t enjoy or at least tolerate; I just have no ambition or desire to exercise, never have, don’t understand but don’t judge people that live their lives around their exercise regimen.  Same with eating healthily; I just don’t care.  Food isn’t that important to me, unless it’s sugar, then my interest spikes skyward.  I have mortgaged my future in every way most of my life; money, security, health, for the indulgence of what I want now, or don’t want to do right now, the fallout of my future be damned.  I have tried meditation, EFT, and other modalities, including yoga, which at least I do sort of like, but my attention span is demanding in that if there are not fairly tangible results in a short amount of time, it’s declaring failure yet again and jumping on to whatever shiny distraction catches it’s fancy.  Instant gratification isn’t just a concept, it’s a requirement.  Also, I don't have the financial wherewithal to enjoy the benefits of massages or other treatements not covered by my insurance, so unfortunately some of the easier solutions are not withing my reach at this time.

Again, I thank you so much for your kind words, and for this forum itself, where I can surely learn so much.  God bless and may you enjoy peace.

Bryn

March 1, 2011


MomBodySoul

Member

posts 37

6

Hi again,

I wanted to ask you, despite all the obstacles you may be facing, what is it that you want most of all in each area of your life? Very clearly and specifically, in a few words.  If you can't narrow down to 1, then the top 3.

 

Marriage/Relationship -

Career/Life's Work-

Emotions/Self Growth -

Social/Fun-

Financial-

Family-

Health-

Spiritual-

 

How would you rate each of these areas, as they are right now, on a scale of 0-10. 0 being Not at all what you want, 10 being All you could ever imagine!

 

*hugs* This will give you some clarity.

 

Hope to hear from you soon, hun!

God Bless You.

Manal

March 6, 2011


Sonia Dabboussi

Canada

Admin

posts 394

7

Bryn,

We are all in search of who we really are, and I feel that you are the same in this regard.  Deep down inside of ourselves we know that there is something good in there – we can feel it if only as a small spark hidden away – but when we look at ourselves in the mirror or consider the plights of our lives, we question even that small spark.  We wonder what this is all about and why we find ourselves going through such turmoil. 

And all of our thinking sometimes takes us away from noticing the small silent voice leading us in the right direction, or the nudge in our hearts that tells us the best way to go.  Sometimes we're only given this insight in the smallest of ways, like 'turn left here at this traffic light' when we have no real need to do so, but when we trust ourselves and follow this guidance we'll eventually get where we need to be.

Your place is here, Bryn, with your tattoos and piercings and whatever else is part of you.  Each place you've been has shaped who you are today and fulfills your ultimate purpose in some way, believe it or not.  Just the fact that you've been brave enough to share your thoughts here puts you in a stronger position than those who are still trying to find their way, so thank you for being a light for so many others still in darkness.

You are not alone.  You are always welcome just as you are because, at least for now, that's who you need to be.  Let's walk together on this journey of discovery and celebrate together as you peel away the layers of life that cover your most beautiful heart shining within.

Gifted for Life – Find the freedom, skill and motivation to live, love and lead with passion and make an evolutionary impact on the world!  giftedforlife.com

March 7, 2011


bryn

New Member

posts 2

8

Again, Sonia and Manal, my most heartfelt gratitude for your compassion and understanding and expending the energy to read through my windy railings and respond in such a kind way.

Manal, I'm not ignoring your questions, I'm just not sure what exactly you're asking and of course cannot venture incorrectly guessing.  I was shut down for most of last week, due to chaos at work and the building of uncertainty and fear of the admin employees as covert decisions are being made by a capital company that recently purchased us and none of us know if our jobs are secure or what changes will be summarily implemented regardless of the effect on the long-term personnel and overall moral.  As a magnet for these feelings and having been aware of the underlying stress long before others even knew change was swiftly coming, it takes a toll, especially when environmental irritations are thrown in, such as the re-carpeting, requiring everything packed up and moved and all that.  And, this is the busiest time of the month for my department, so with all this distraction and errant emotions plucking at my aura, I was under deadline to accurately complete my tasks in much less time.  A hurt heart from a seemingly benign incident with my fiancee, and there you have it.  I shut down, trying to be as small and quiet and impenetrable as possible and just soldier through the noise and interruptions and just do my job, the one thing I have always been good at, the part of my life that I had succeeded in as far as respect and camaraderie, but unfortunately not so much financially.  My boss of many years as well as another manager that I am close to both believe they will be relieved of their positions within a short time-frame.  Despite the advance knowledge that this is likely imminent, I know I will be devastated and probably have to flee the building in uncontrollable weeping and despair.  And my boss, who has been my spiritual mentor for years, is at peace with this new path in her life, had in fact prayed for just such a thing.  So although I am happy for her, as the new owners treat her as less than important, despite her having basically run the company for the last decade (and it is such an affront to my sensibilities that they do so in words and actions); still as someone who rarely grows attached to anyone and can walk away from most any friendship or simply let them fade out, to lose this strong, Christian woman who is showing the depth of her character by trying to teach those of us who will be left behind in her dept the procedures and tasks she performed, not wanting us or the company to suffer any hardship; it's going to hurt hugely.  She is classy and very smart and one of the calmest people I have ever encountered.  I respect her on many levels, as she is so many things I am not, and I will miss our late day talks, especially when I'm asking her questions regarding God and many other aspects of faith and she unfailingly can explain and quote the scripture to back it up.  I've learned so much from her, but I am so happy for her that she is soon to embark on a new journey, her quiet, steel-strong faith calming any fear at losing her income and quashing any anger or bitterness for being so summarily and capriciously discarded.

Sorry, didn't mean to go off on that tangent; it's just large on my mind right now, with my own fate and that of my barely surviving as it is friend and office-mate unknown.  With my fiancee having been laid off late December, the threat of both of us trying to survive on unemployment in an economy that is still pitching and reeling is enough to make a born worrier like me go over the edge.  But, as with my boss, this too may be an answer to my prayers for showing me the path that I am supposed to be on.  Same with S, my fiancee; he was highly paid but utterly consumed by his job; he is now enjoying some much deserved time off to indulge in a couple of artistic outlets that he has let atrophy by the wayside all these years as he worked and raised two kids as a single dad, and it's wondrous to see the change in him, the vibrancy and excitement where the stressed and exhausted caste used to dwell.  I am delighted in this new, artistic being who has more energy and interest in me and his son and life in general.  Yes, it is frightening to be unemployed, and to be laid off after 10 years with no warning, his co-workers stunned and distraught, he struggled through a couple weeks of pure depression, literally nesting on the floor in front of the big t.v. for hour and hours, until he worked through it.  His pained and haunted face tore my heart in two; but now, that is a distant memory as i see him giddy as a little kid as he re-discovers his various artistic passions.

So you so kindly inviting me to feel accepted here and be a part of this group, who can understand to such greater depths the different way the sensitive, gifted psyche works, and to allow me the freedom to rant and question and I'm sure, rebel, is a kindness unparalled and appreciated beyond my ability to fully articulate.  I am still processing the gift, still poking it and shaking the box and wondering at it's beauty and largasse.

I am very excited to say that tomorrow I am meeting with the wonderful lady who taught my Meyers-Briggs classes; I had contacted her in desperation, hoping that she knew of a Christian counselor very familiar with the INSP (I don't know why I have such a hard time remembering those 4 letters, referring to myself as any given mishmash of the 16 available), because I truly believe unless you've walked a mile in the shoes of a hypersensitive, over-analyzing, emotional, empathic, currently feeling lost and adrift gifted-HSP-INSP, you aren't going to be able to understand the challenges and peculiarities of said kind of a mess right now person, because we are so, so different from the norm.  She arranged a meeting for us, and I'm hoping can shed some insight, especially with my ungratefulness (loathing, one might say) for my particular type and the degree to which I am its poster child. 

Having just finished Dr. Aron's book on being an HSP, I was gratified to learn that despite my own self-centeredness and self-absorption, the type of meltdown I am experiencing right now is common and expected; the first half of life is to gather experience, lessons etc; the second half of life is to learn who you really are and what you are here to accomplish.  Just what you stated as well; that many are on their own journeys, but just not as whiney and loud about it as I am.   Wow.  There goes a whole level or three of intensity diminishing my angst and drama, huh?  Saddle up, girlfriend, you're just in time to start the journey you're been preparing for all your life; so hang on, hang tough, and let's see what adventures lie ahead as we step onto a whole new path, with no clue what's coming or where we'll end up.  The rebel/thrill seeker lurking in my jumbled pit of personality pieces is raring to go; she hasn't seen much action lately, been kinda muscled aside by the mundane struggles and pressures of every day life.  So let's do it, and I thank you so, so much, kind ladies, for offering your support and caring, and very importantly a safe place to share what lies ahead; I believe it was not by accident that I found this site and thus yourselves; angels are sitting somewhere with satisfied smiles that it's all working out to a divine plan.

peace and blessings,

bryn

  

March 27, 2012


lasinger

New York

New Member

posts 1

9

If I won  the lottery, I would be choreographing for my own dance company, continue teaching myself piano, giving voice recitals, and performing in musical theatre.  I'd have my own boutique to sell my scarves and other creations in.  The boutique would also have a coffee shop where I would bake and make daily specials for people.  It would be Tracy's big kitchen.

It seems like the only thing I need to make it happen is money.  It seems I spend my whole life worrying about survival.  About how much money I have in my bank account and how long I'll be able to live on it before I have to run home to mother (at 50 :(   ).

I would feel happy and fulfilled and most importantly, secure, as opposed to what I feel now which is depressed, and panicked and frightened of what tomorrow will bring and how I will face people being in such an intense state of emotional despair.

I don't care about reaching a level of success as defined by something outside of me.  I just want to be happy and spend my days creating.  I need financial security and that seems unattainable.

 

April 1, 2012


Sonia Dabboussi

Canada

Admin

posts 394

10

It's easy to feel depressed when things aren't the way you want them to be in your life. It sounds like you have a lot of things that you would love to do, things that would bring happiness to other people, and that's awesome! The world needs people who want to create and explore and develop something new.

Financial security is an elusive thing for many people these days, but that doesn't meant it's impossible. Here are a couple of things to consider:

1. Barbara Sher suggests finding a 'good enough' job – one that pays the bills and doesn't have work to do at home so you're free to explore your own interests on your own time. For many, that's a good place to start in order to get on the track they really want to be in in life.

2. One of my favourite saying is this, "Where focus goes, energy flows." Whatever it is you give your attention to, that's what you tend to get more of. So if you're worrying about not having enough money, you may be getting more of that – not enough money. If you'd like, you can try finding all of the positive things you have happening in your life and give your attention to those. That may be enough to start turning things around for you.

Those are just a couple of ideas to consider. What do you think?

Gifted for Life – Find the freedom, skill and motivation to live, love and lead with passion and make an evolutionary impact on the world!  giftedforlife.com



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